Can’t be bothered to begin…

When people who you know have nothing to gain from feeding you a line of bullshit about something feed you a line of bullshit, who are they trying to convince? Especially when it’s not terribly harmful bullshit so what was the point in the first place? Especially when it’s their own hole they’re digging?

Been a rough week. Can’t get into it too much here ’cause it’s work related and all that. The end o’ the tale, however, lands firmly in the “Ruth is working on her resume and actively seeking employment which she will interview for having driven to said interview in a car fueled by gas funded by unemployment insurance payments” camp.


So what do I want to be when I grow up if I’m not gonna be a roofer?


It’s become increasingly lonely here as of late at the ol’ apartamento. It’s the job thing. It’s family stuff. It’s hard. Everyone’s depressed. I keep daydreaming about meeting Bill Gates at the grocery store and helping him track down all of the apples (get it?) that have spilled from his grocery bag and rolled all over the parking lot and to thank me he gives me a million dollar tip and I take it to the bank and put it in the work account and the only thing I ask of my dad back at the office is that we hire a full-time IT person/CAD monkey.

My resume is stupid. And full of how-to-write-a-resume notes. And three pages long. Because it’s full of how-to-write-a-resume notes.

Do I *have* to write a resume? Can’t I just show up outside of some company’s building and walk in and ask if I can try out whatever it is they do and if I can do it I’m hired? Someplace that’ll keep me in my apartment. Someplace that’ll give me health insurance. And days off. And a drawer for my pens and not just a place to set my pen cup.

Time to shower and then go to bed. I keep trying to force myself to stay up as long as possible so that when I finally crawl under the covers I’ll fall asleep right away and not lay there thinking and thinking and stressing and thinking… but I’m out of things to do. I don’t want to be online (shocker, I know), none of my books is that appealing to me right  now, everything’s clean enough that I can’t be bothered to mess with it, and every time I go to do something that requires a light being turned on or hot water being used (as Silly Strawberry bubble bath isn’t nearly as much fun without it) I freak out and turn everything off because I’m so afraid my work endeavors will fail again and I’ll be paying for that energy usage with unemployment checks all summer and Lord knows those things don’t go far enough.

I didn’t cause anything to fail. There’s nothing I could have done. All I can do now is keep working, be there, keep my head up and my mind focused and eat during the day and get sleep at night and maybe take a walk tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so sad right now but crying just takes so much effort I can’t be bothered to begin. :S


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