Famous People Are Idiots
Read a thing on People.com today. A “Celebrity Baby Names” thing. Tori Spelling? Durned fool. Her daughter’s first name is Stella. Wanna know where that comes from? Oh I bet you do, loyal readers!
According to her: “I used to be obsessed with the book Great Expectations. Estella was the main character. It wasn’t fitting, though. And then one day, Dean was like, ‘What about Stella?’ I said, ‘That’s it!'”
ESTELLA WAS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER OF GREAT EXPECTATIONS. SHE’S NOT EVEN IN THE TOP THREE. THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN CONSIDERED NAMING YOUR DAUGHTER AFTER A BRAINWASHED, MAN-HATING BITCH- WHOSE PLACEMENT IN THE HIERARCHY OF CHARACTERS OF A CLASSIC NOVEL YOU CLEARLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND IS UNHANDLE-ABLY IRRITATING.
And this is why I couldn’t ever be famous myself. I couldn’t allow the general public to hear all the ridiculous and inaccurate things I’d say when it was time for my “Why the crap did you name your baby that?” interview. I’m a mildly educated country bumpkin and I know it. Celebrity just ain’t for me.
And you know, at least she read the book, right? Props where props are due, folks.
Other People Are Idiots, Too
Learned about a new website today. The kind of website I can laugh about with with my Christian friends, but can only cringe over with my Everything Else friends.
It’s what I call the Benny Hinn Cringe Factor. I can watch Benny Hinn shout and slobber and lie and knock people down all the live long day and in the midst of my disgust still get a laugh out of his ridiculous (illogical, blasphemous, etc.) antics with the Jack London gang and a few folks from my high school who can appreciate unintentional black comedy. But even so much as having his name mentioned around my non-Christian friends just– ugh. Gets my gut all twisted and I have to leave the room.
This happened recently during a viewing of Borat at a friend’s place, actually. A scene was about to take place in a church and all I knew was I couldn’t stick around to see whatever it was that would happen. Just too damned embarrassing. And I was among friends for crying out loud and I still couldn’t bring myself to watch it!
Because the Benny Hinn Cringe Factor attached to today’s website is extremely high I’d normally refrain from posting anything from it here. I’d even generally refrain from mentioning the link itself in “mixed company” because it’s just so embarrassing-by-association that part of me doesn’t want anyone to ever hear that anyone who claims to believe in God thinks this way.
But some of the quotes from this site? Oh wow. Just too good (read: ridiculous) not to share. I had to do it. Had to. I only wish I could also include personal commentary on the quotes without fearing my blood would boil over so high that I’d have to keep stopping mid-sentence to survive long enough to hit “Publish.”
Back me up here, fellow Jesus-y types! I’m collapsing in laughter/pain! HELP!!! Anyway, here goes nothin’. A few delightful gems from:
The “Top 100 Archive” on Fundies Say The Darndest Things:
“I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don’t think he’s ready to date yet. What’s worse is that he’s sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!”
Don’t worry, Linda. Your son sounds fine to me. Fabulous, even.
2. And now for a brief peek into why people think Christians know crap about science and think they should have no business including their views on Origins in classrooms:
“Gravity: Doesn’t exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that’s just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it’s not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn’t the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.”
*twitch… twitch twitch twitch*
3. Ready for a little Anglo-centrism? I hope I hope I hope! Because here it comes, foo’s:
“[on the sunject of a Bible printing company] Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes… what can I say?). The only thing I don’t like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don’t think that’s right. We know the only true translation is the 1600’s version in English. It’s too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in… and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.”
“If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James — your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right.”
Boggles the mind, no?
4. Can you handle a little more lofty scientific reasoning? No? Okay. Um… how ’bout some crap, obnoxious, MySpaceThink level jabber that happens to utilize some nouns that are also found in actual scientific reasoning? Fab!
“[Replying to ‘as for not seeing evolution it takes several million years… incase you missed that memo…’] several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years.”
*smacks forehead* Of course! That’s why evolution couldn’t have happened! Because monkeys don’t live several million years! *smacks forehead harder* Of course!
5. Ooh! Ooh! Let’s tackle abortion and rape, shall we? Ooh! Ooh let’s!
“A woman wants to abort a rape child? She should have thought of that before she walked down that dark alley without a male prescence, not to mention she should have thought before putting on revealing attire.
[Yes. It should (be legal). Otherwise you’re screwing over the women who don’t deserve their fate.]
Are you calling them victims now? Should’ve stayed in the house where it’s safe.”
Oh no you did not just say– Oh no. No. Can’t even address this one. It just– gah. Can’t even begin to get into this one without– GAAHHHH.
6. I don’t even know what to say to set this one up. It’s just so gross.
“Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these “rocks” at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.”
“A woman for president is a bad idea. Hillary for president is even worse. Do you think America never had a woman for president by coincidence? As stupid as you think it sounds I totally agree. Blacks should not ever be in positions of power. They should be suppressed back in to slavery.”
It’s instances like this that make me wish humans had the capacity to roar, you know? Like to just open our mouths and let loose a mighty, living room shaking growl.
8. And the coup de grâce:
“Athiests as a Majority
This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I’m going to go f**k a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I’m going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it’s “not addictive.”
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!
The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.
ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I’m pregnant again. I guess I’ll just get another abortion, since “fetuses don’t count as human life.”
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don’t go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men f**king eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren’t finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that’s fine with me!
Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.
ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there’s a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We’ll be right there!
The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.
RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your’s! That’s because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!
Scary, isn’t it?”
As Penn Jillette‘s most ardent, blushing admirer I highly resent those remarks!! *grins* Ahhh Penn… *giggles*
As long as I can remind myself of the following, I should survive:
As far as those quotes go, I understand that what’s written above is from a bunch of control freaks, the self-blinded, the scientifically ignorant, and… and it’s just idiocy. Loud, self-serving, racist, sexist, homophobic idiocy coated in a veneer of religiously themed buzz words.
I understand that these aren’t well-adjusted people interested in questioning, reason, or logic, and as such no thinking person should feel in any way associated with nor embarrassed by their words. I also know every religion, political party, philosophical ideology, etc. is backed by people who know what they’re talking about, absolute nut jobs, and every type o’ Joe in between. Above? Those’re the nut jobs. Another great quote from the page? “What does a functioning brain have to do with the Bible?” (LittleLambofJesus, Christian Forums [Comments (209)] [2006-Oct-16]) See what I mean?? GAH!!
But when you read stuff like what I posted above? Man- I just can’t keep that kind of craziness to myself. How can you not share it? It’s just too funny. It’s just too awful. It’s just too, too postable!