I was watching Clue for the 239th time last night when I started thinking how truly awful it would be if it someone were to remake it.
It’s not just that Hollywood can’t be trusted to refashion a classic comedy like this without dumbing it up with a bunch of hot-bodied, unfunny 24 year olds recently spewed from the Disney Machine. There’s also the fact that the actors who played the roles in the original created such completely iconic characters that seeing anyone else play these parts would leave audiences (read: me) feeling like something was missing.
I mean– Harrison Ford’s not the greatest actor of all time, but when somebody else gets chosen to play Han Solo in a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy there’ll be mutiny! Actually, I think a remake alone would cause riots…
I fear the announcement of a Clue remake is only a matter of time, however. Particularly as the 25th anniversary of the original December 13, 1985 release date nears. (And yes, I will be throwing a Clue party. Start working on your costumes now, folks.) If/when the (inevitable/horrifying) remake announcement is finally made, who would you want to see cast in each of the parts, and who would you want to see direct?
The classic comedy Clue is being remade and it’s your job to cast the movie and pick the director!
When did you get so cool?
- Every character must be assigned an actor to play that part (see below for a full list).
- All potential actors and directors must be living and feasibly usable (ie. No tapping Roman Polanski to helm the project).
- No casting from Gossip Girl or its ilk. (If you have to ask if a particular show/movie qualifies as being Gossip Girl-y: It qualifies.)
- Megan Fox is out, out, out.
- So are Christina Applegate, James Marsden, and Matthew McConaughey.
- If your chosen cast is deemed too attractive you will be forced to make a trade. (Ex. If Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Brad Pitt, and Tyrese Gibson are all in your cast: It’s time to make some trades.)
- If the comedic skill of your chosen cast is deemed questionable, you will be forced to make a trade. (Ex. If Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Nicholas Cage are all in your cast: It’s time to make some trades.)
- It is not necessary to select additional personnel (Executive Producers, Cinematographers, etc.) for the movie. It is, however, allowed (Jennifer Champagne).
THE CHARACTERS (Original Actors, Age during filming)
- Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan, 53)
- Wadsworth (Tim Curry, 39)
- Mrs. White (Madeline Kahn, 43)
- Professor Plum (Christopher Lloyd, 47)
- Mr. Green (Michael McKean, 38)
- Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull, 42)
- Miss Scarlet (Lesley Ann Warren, 39)
- Yvette (Colleen Camp, 32)
- Mr. Boddy (Lee Ving, 35)
- The Cook (Kellye Nakahara, 35)
- The Motorist (Jeffrey Kramer, 40)
- The Singing Telegram Girl (Jane Wiedlin, 27)
- The Cop (Bill Henderson, 59)
For extra credit you can cast solely from people you follow on Twitter, fave YouTubers, coworkers, local actors, or varieties of cheese. (Beers and breads of all densities are also welcome.)
Now get casting!
ETA: Getting some terrific responses– you guys rock at this! Just wanted to post a link to oceandoot on LiveJournal who fleshed out his response with pictures and quotes.