Clue Remake?


Miss Scarlet, Col Mustard, Mrs. White, Mr. Green, Wadsworth, Prof Plum, Mrs. Peacock

I was watching Clue for the 239th time last night when I started thinking how truly awful it would be if it someone were to remake it.

It’s not just that Hollywood can’t be trusted to refashion a classic comedy like this without dumbing it up with a bunch of hot-bodied, unfunny 24 year olds recently spewed from the Disney Machine. There’s also the fact that the actors who played the roles in the original created such completely iconic characters that seeing anyone else play these parts would leave audiences (read: me)  feeling like something was missing.

I mean– Harrison Ford’s not the greatest actor of all time, but when somebody else gets chosen to play Han Solo in a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy there’ll be mutiny! Actually, I think a remake alone would cause riots…

I fear the announcement of a Clue remake is only a matter of time, however. Particularly as the 25th anniversary of the original December 13, 1985 release date nears. (And yes, I will be throwing a Clue party. Start working on your costumes now, folks.) If/when the (inevitable/horrifying) remake announcement is finally made, who would you want to see cast in each of the parts, and who would you want to see direct?

Better yet…

The classic comedy Clue is being remade and it’s your job to cast the movie and pick the director!

When did you get so cool?

THE RULES

  1. Every character must be assigned an actor to play that part (see below for a full list).
  2. All potential actors and directors must be living and feasibly usable (ie. No tapping Roman Polanski to helm the project).
  3. No casting from Gossip Girl or its ilk. (If you have to ask if a particular show/movie qualifies as being Gossip Girl-y: It qualifies.)
  4. Megan Fox is out, out, out.
  5. So are Christina Applegate, James Marsden, and Matthew McConaughey.
  6. If your chosen cast is deemed too attractive you will be forced to make a trade. (Ex. If Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Brad Pitt, and Tyrese Gibson are all in your cast: It’s time to make some trades.)
  7. If the comedic skill of your chosen cast is deemed questionable, you will be forced to make a trade. (Ex. If Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Nicholas Cage are all in your cast: It’s time to make some trades.)
  8. It is not necessary to select additional personnel (Executive Producers, Cinematographers, etc.) for the movie. It is, however, allowed (Jennifer Champagne).

THE CHARACTERS (Original Actors, Age during filming)

For extra credit you can cast solely from people you follow on Twitter, fave YouTubers, coworkers, local actors, or varieties of cheese. (Beers and breads of all densities are also welcome.)

Now get casting!

ETA: Getting some terrific responses– you guys rock at this! Just wanted to post a link to oceandoot on LiveJournal who fleshed out his response with pictures and quotes.

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25 comments

  1. Director: Baz Luhrmann

    Cast:
    Mrs. Peacock– Meryl Streep
    Wadsworth– Hugh Laurie
    Mrs. White– Cate Blanchett
    Professor Plum– Phillip Seymour Hoffman
    Mr. Green– Jude Law
    Colonel Mustard– Dustin Hoffman
    Ms. Scarlett– Teri Hatcher
    Yvette– Scarlett Johansson
    Mr. Boddy– Stanley Tucci
    The Cook–Kathy Bates
    The Motorist–Evan Handler
    The Singing Telegram Girl–Natalie Portman
    The Cop–Morgan Freeman

    1. I find your choice of Hugh Laurie as Wadsworth to be particularly inspired. ;)

      And Tucci as Boddy? I like how that would turn it into a fun cameo role instead of remaining the somewhat “filler” part it was in the original.

    2. So I was reading this post without scrolling to the responses and I thought of Meryl Streep for Mrs. Peacock too!!!

      Mrs. Peacock: Meryl Streep
      Wadsworth: Hugh Grant
      Mrs. White: Jane Kaczmarek
      Prof. Plum: William H. Macy
      Mr. Green: David Schwimmer
      Col. Mustard: Tom Selleck
      Ms. Scarlett: Goldie Hawn
      Yvette: Any Kardashian Woman
      Mr. Boddy: Stanley Tucci
      The Cook: Margaret Cho
      The Motorist: Ethan Embry
      Telegram Girl: Lindsey Lohan
      The Cop: Charles Robinson (from Night Court)

  2. Director: Christopher Guest

    Mrs. Peacock: Emma Thompson
    Wadsworth: Christopher Guest
    Mrs. White: Jane Lynch
    Professor Plum: Steve Carell
    Mr. Green: Ricky Gervais
    Colonel Mustard: Will Ferrell
    Miss Scarlet: Kate Winslet
    Yvette: Christina Hendricks
    Mr. Boddy: John Turturro
    The Cook: Kathy Bates
    The Motorist: Paul Rudd
    The Singing Telgram Girl: Tina Fey
    The Copy: John C. McGinley

    1. @ irishbard–bravo.

      particular standouts include: Christopher Guest, Ricky Gervais, and Tina Fey.

      I also think John C. Riley would make a great Colonel Mustard.

    2. Christina Hendricks as Yvette? I think my heart just stopped… Yes!! Love it.

      Nice choice with Christopher Guest. I dig, I dig.

      I don’t know how I feel about Jane Lynch as Mrs. White. I thought of her too, but the *fit* didn’t feel right. Hmm…

      Cue: Defense of Ms. Lynch by irishbard.

      1. I probably would have gone with Hugh Laurie, as that’s a brilliant choice, but I was beaten to that punch :)

        I know what you’re saying about the *fit* being just off a bit with Jane Lynch, but, after consideration, she brings the right amount of dry humor that is perfect for the role.

  3. Director: Mark Salentine

    Mrs. Peacock: Cindy Zauner
    Wadsworth: Matthew J. Patten
    Mrs. White: Sarah Laack Hughes
    Professor Plum: Robby Schuttepelz (McGhee)
    Mr. Green: Randall Anderson
    Colonel Mustard: Robert Zimmerman
    Miss Scarlet: Ruth Arnell
    Yvette: Jenny Kozek
    Mr. Boddy: Zak Zembrowski
    The Cook: Sharon Tyler
    The Motorist: Jordan Gwiazdowski
    The Singing Telgram Girl: Sam Moyer
    The Cop: David Kaye

  4. Fun!

    I shall play …

    * Mrs. Peacock — Catherine O’Hara
    * Wadsworth — John C McGinley
    * Mrs. White — Kelly Bishop
    * Professor Plum — Steve Coogan
    * Mr. Green — Tony Hale
    * Colonel Mustard — Jeff Garlin
    * Miss Scarlet — Jennifer Garner
    * Yvette — Diora Baird
    * Mr. Boddy — Jay Mohr
    * The Cook — Amy Hill
    * The Motorist — David Pasquesi
    * The Singing Telegram Girl — Gwen Stefani
    * The Cop — Dan Hedaya
    That “Kingdom of Heaven” guy at the end — Stephen Colbert

  5. Wait! Delete my first one. I thought about it more and have some brilliant changes to make.

    * Mrs. Peacock — Catherine O’Hara
    * Wadsworth — Alan Cumming
    * Mrs. White — Julianne Moore
    * Professor Plum — Steve Coogan
    * Mr. Green — Tony Hale
    * Colonel Mustard — Enrico Colantoni
    * Miss Scarlet — Jennifer Garner
    * Yvette — Diora Baird
    * Mr. Boddy — Jay Mohr
    * The Cook — Amy Hill
    * The Motorist — David Pasquesi
    * The Singing Telegram Girl — Ashley Tisdale
    * The Cop — Ron Glass
    That “Kingdom of Heaven” guy at the end — John C McGinley

  6. Director- gore verbinski
    Wadsworth- James woods
    Mr boddy- Joe pantelliano
    Yvette- scarlet johanson
    The cook- random extra
    The motorist- Christopher Lloyd ( cameo)
    The cop- Jason Alexander
    Singing telegram- random extra
    Mr green- Jim carry
    Col. Mustard- Leslie neilson
    Prof. Plum- bill Cosby
    Mrs peacock- Phyllis duller
    Miss scarlet Catherine Ohara
    Mrs white- Liza minelli

  7. * Mrs. Peacock — Meryl Streep
    * Wadsworth — Ewan McGregor
    * Mrs. White — Eva Longoria
    * Professor Plum — Phillip Seymour Hoffman
    * Mr. Green — Thomas Lennon
    * Colonel Mustard — Will Ferrell
    * Miss Scarlet — Teri Hatcher
    * Yvette — Marie Coutillard
    * Mr. Boddy — James Gandolfini
    * The Cook — Kirstie Alley
    * The Motorist — Topher Grace
    * The Singing Telegram Girl — Meg White
    * The Cop — Reginald VelJohnson, aka “Al” from Die Hard
    That “Kingdom of Heaven” guy at the end — Stephen Colbert

  8. Tim Curry/Hugh Laurie: Wadsworth :P
    Stanley Tucci as Mr. Boddy
    Michael Caine as Colonel Mustard
    Jeff Goldblum: Professor Plum
    Parker Posey: Mrs. White
    Diane Keaton/Meryl Streep: Mrs. Peacock
    Steve Carrell: Mr. Green
    Miss Scarlet: Teri Hatcher
    The Cook: Kathy Bates
    Yvette: Scarlett Johanssen
    The Motorist: Paul Rudd
    Singing Telegram: Extra, (at random)
    The Cop: Tony Todd
    The Chief: Leslie Neilsen, or somebody else.

  9. * Mrs. Peacock – Catherine Ohara
    * Wadsworth – Ewan McGregor
    * Mrs. White – Parker Posey
    * Professor Plum – Liam Neeson
    * Mr. Green – Timothy Olyphant
    * Colonel Mustard – Eugene Levy
    * Miss Scarlet – Queen Latifah
    * Yvette – Rachel McAdams/Portia DeRossi
    * Mr. Boddy – Jeffery Tambor
    * The Cook – Luis Guzman
    * The Motorist – Jason Ritter
    * The Singing Telegram Girl – i’d like to say Lindsay Lohan so someone can shoot her.
    * The Cop – Sam Waterston

  10. How about they just don’t go through with the remake?

    I wish Hollywood would stop trying to alter my childhood.

    I promise you that 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club, Robocop, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and many other cherished movies will eventually be destroyed by a modern remake. Just wait. All bets are off. Any movie is fair game.

    1. As far as I know there *isn’t* a remake planned, a fact in which I take precious little comfort because H’wood cannot be trusted. I think it’d be DAMNABLY HORRIFIC if they actually planned one, but for now this particular childhood favorite is safe.

      I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, though, before the Hollywood weasels begin digging at this brick in the foundation of our youth. Hurrah for watching it crumble… :S

  11. Mrs. Peacock – Betty White
    Wadsworth – Will Ferrell
    Mrs. White – Elizabeth Shue
    Prof. Plum – William H. Macy
    Mr. Green – Sam Neill
    Col. Mustard- Christopher Walken
    Miss Scarlet – Courtney Cox
    Yvette – Uma Thurman
    Mr. Boddy – Jack Nicholson
    The Cook – Kathy Bates
    The Motorist – Michale J. Fox
    Singing Telegram Girl – Olsen Twins
    The Cop – Samuel L. Jackson

  12. THE CHARACTERS (Original Actors, Age during filming) Remake Actor/Actress

    •Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan, 53) Jane Lynch,51
    •Wadsworth (Tim Curry, 39) Simon Pegg, 41
    •Mrs. White (Madeline Kahn, 43) Amy Poehler,40
    •Professor Plum (Christopher Lloyd, 47) Hugh Laurie,52
    •Mr. Green (Michael McKean, 38) Ed Helms,37
    •Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull, 42) Will Ferrell,44
    •Miss Scarlet (Lesley Ann Warren, 39) Tina Fey,41
    •Yvette (Colleen Camp, 32) Kristen Wiig,38
    •Mr. Boddy (Lee Ving, 35) Bradley Cooper,36
    •The Cook (Kellye Nakahara, 35) (Change to male) Ken Wong,42
    •The Motorist (Jeffrey Kramer, 40) Nick Frost,39
    •The Singing Telegram Girl (Jane Wiedlin, 27) Ellie Kemper,31
    •The Cop (Bill Henderson, 59) Lesley David Baker,53

    I know there are some funny scenes with the cook’s dead body. The character being heavy, but you could change those scenes to the motorist. Frost is a big guy.

  13. If we are doing a serious clue,

    Wadsworth: Jude Law
    Pr. Plum: James Franco
    Mr. Green: Jake Gyllenhal
    Colonel Mustard: Gary Oldman
    Ms. Scarlet: Jenifer Love Hewitt
    Mrs. White: Marion Cortilland
    Mrs. Peacock: Meyrl Streep
    Mr. Body: Tim Curry (reunion!)
    Yvette: Brooklyn Decker

    But for a comedy,

    Wadsworth: Robert Downy Junior
    Pr. Plum: Will Ferrell
    Mr. Green: Steve Carrell
    Colonel Mustard: Vince Vaughn
    Ms. Scarlet: Katie Holmes
    Mrs. White: Tina Fey
    Mrs. Peacock: Betty White
    Mr. Body: Alec Baldwin
    Yvette: Kristen Chenoweth

    I know what you are thinking about the comedy stars, I just chose the big names, however you must admit the actors I chose for the comedy have the same “charisma” as the 1985 stars.

    Downy can be a Curry
    Ferrell IS a Lloyd
    Carrell is a lot alike Michael McKean
    Vince Vaughn has the same style of acting that Martin Mull does
    Okay maybe Katie Holmes is not exactly alike with Lesley Ann Warren!
    Tina Fey + Madeline Khan………… come on now!
    Betty White and Eileen Brennan could be comic twins
    Baldwin can be very mysterious as was Lee Ving in his portrayal of Mr. Body
    Well……… Kristen Chenoweth was the only pretty blonde who actually does comedy that would do such a small part

    So those are my reasons!

    1. Vince Vaughn?! *pffffft*

      I’m gonna let it slide, however, on the basis of your excellent suggestion of including Gary Oldman. ;) In fact, I think it’s time to settle in for a Gary Oldman marathon on Netflix…

      Thanks for playing along! :D

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