Things I find myself saying (with an alarming degree of regularity, considering as these are one-sided conversations) to my ferrets, whose sole aims in life appear to be taking my things and pooping on my carpet:
When they are attempting to steal my notebooks:
“That is a notebook. Ferrets don’t write emo poems; they only think they do.”
They take after highschool Me; what can I say?
When they are attempting to walk across my laptop as I type on it:
“That is a computer. Ferrets don’t walk on keyboards; they only think they do.”
Especially when said computer is in use and there are still keys whose functions are mysterious and cannot be reversed without the Geek Squad.
When they are attempting to nest in my purses:
“That is my purse. Ferrets don’t use purses; they only think they do.”
I keep my purses in a pile on my closet floor, let the ferrets play in them for a while, then search the wreckage for the contents they’ve loosened from zipper pockets I’d long since forgotten about. Thanks boys!
When they are attempting to steal my socks:
“Those are socks. Ferrets don’t need socks; they only think they do.”
Actually– I might be wrong about this one…
When they are attempting to scale my shins:
“Those are my ankles. Ferrets don’t eat ankles; they only think they do.”
And ohhhhh do they ever think they do this! Particularly when I’ve just climbed out of the shower and am protected by nothing more than a towel (which one of them is, inevitably, trying to climb). At least let me put my glasses on first so I know which way to go as I plan my escape!
When they are “playing sandbox” in their litter boxes:
“That is a litter box. Ferrets poop in them; they only think they don’t.”
Every time one of the boys hoists his round little rear into a litter box I find myself crowing with delight, my hands alternating between pounding the meters of victory on my bouncing knees, and waving in the air at the sweet, sweet stink of success.
Love being a pet mom or dad? What do you say to your critters when you’re sure no one else is listening?? :D